Like I'm gonna lose you
by AnonymousW
Summary: How will Donna tell Harvey she knows about his panic attacks and therapy session? Post 5x08 one-shot. [Darvey]


Donna walked towards Harvey's office, her eyes spotting him immediately, blankly looking at a piece of paper in his hands. His shirt was folded at the arms, his tie loosened, looking tired and weary, a glass of scotch by his side. She swallowed hard, trying to decide on how to approach this. She had found out that Harvey had been having panic attacks and seeing a therapist. Her heart winced with pain and guilt, wondering how she had missed it. She mocked her own words _I'm Donna, I know everything_ , realizing that she didn't know everything. It was a foreign to her, being in the dark, especially when it came to him. She always knew. But not this time.

She took advantage of the fact that Gretchen had left; she already felt enough guilt without the old woman's glare. It was protectiveness, she gets it, and she admires it.

She leaned on the doorframe of his office, waiting for him to notice her. It took around a minute for him to raise his eyes, the surprise clear in his eyes.

'Hey' she said, offering a gentle smile.

'I thought we weren't allowed to hey each other' he tried to joke, the smile not reaching his eyes.

'You are not allowed to hey me- I can't do whatever the hell I want' she joked, grateful for the hint of a smile she spotted on his lips.

She walked inside, looking around at the coffee table.

'I heard there's a new coffee table in town, came to check it out' she tried to explain naturally.

He gave her a look she knew too well, the one that said 'I know you're not here for this'

'What?' she asked innocently.

He exhaled. She wondered if it wore him out, their old ways.

'Well it's exactly like the one before' he shrugged.

'I know' she said knowingly, a big smile on her face.

'You?' he asked with disbelief as she nodded. 'And I thought Gretchen was behind it' he admitted.

'Well I know a guy…' she explained.

'I bet you do' he said, his eyes on her burning her skin. 'But why are you really here Donna? It's late' he asked her, standing up to give her the glass he had just filled.

It suddenly felt like nothing had changed; both of them at his office, after regular hours, drinking, while she tried to get him to talk about something he didn't want to talk about.

'I wanted you to know that I have convinced four partners to vote against your suspension tomorrow' she explained, noting the surprise in his eyes.

'What made you change your mind?' he asked curiously.

She took a second to answer, before she spoke again.

'Twelve years' she whispered, their eyes locking, his slightly starting to water. He was tired that's all, or so he convinced himself.

'I'll drink to that' he said, his voice broken, the only sound filling the room coming from the contact of their glasses.

A comfortable silence fell before Donna spoke again.

'I was transcribing things from Louis' Dictaphone' she started, before he stopped her.

'Honestly Donna, I'm in no mood for Louis stories right now' he said.

'I know about your panic attacks…and the therapist' she started cautiously, expecting his walls to get back up. Instead, a wave of panic filled him, as she realized what was at stake.

'He wouldn't use it against you Harvey, I made sure he won't' Donna tried to comfort him, her hand resting on his forearm, in an attempt to soothe his distress. He heavily breathed in and out for the next few minutes, before his breath steadied again, his eyes lingering on her hand.

'That's why you decided to help me' he said sadly, Donna's heart aching at how vulnerable he was.

'I believed you before hearing it' she admitted. It was true; she had. But she needed evidence, something to use if confronted by Louis, something that made it look like she was acting out of rationality, not mere love. The last thing she wanted him to think is that she was helping him out of pity.

'Look I don't want to talk about it' he said harshly.

He didn't seem to believe her, as he took a big gulp out of his glass. She wanted to ask if he was doing okay, know more about it, but instead relaxed back, giving him the space he needed. She was surprised when he talked again.

'It started when you left' he admitted, his voice so low she had moved closer to him. 'I started having trouble breathing, blurred vision, nausea' he enumerated. 'It happened twice before I decided to see someone about it' he continued. Her hand reached his forearm again, causing him to fidget slightly in his seat before relaxing back.

'Turned out I am pretty fucked up' he said with a sad laugh. 'So I've been working through things with Dr. Agard' he continued.

'Did they stop? The panic attacks? What triggers them?' she asked concerned.

'They're very few now' he answered the first part of the question, hoping to avoid the rest. But her eyes on him pushed him to speak. 'I don't know..last couple of times happened after we had talked' he shrugged. He looked up at her for the first time since he had started talking, to see her eyes welled up with tears.

'Donna' he breathed softly. The last thing he needed right now was to see her cry.

'I'm sorry' she breathed.

'None of this is your fault' he admitted. 'Like I said, I have issues I need to work on, and you leaving opened that can of worms' he explained.

'For what it's worth, I think that's a very brave thing to do Harvey' she admitted. She meant it; she had never thought in a million years Harvey would go see a therapist, and confront his issues so bravely. She could already tell the ways he was trying to improve; by opening up and trying not to shut her out.

'Thanks Donna' he said genuinely, looking again at her hand, comfortably rested on his forearm.

'What's gonna happen tomorrow?' she asked then, terrified by the idea of a three months suspension.

Harvey's hand went through his hair, before he rubbed his eyes tiredly.

'I honestly don't know' he answered her, getting up and staring at the Manhattan sky line, his back to her. He didn't want her to see him that way, so broken, so weak without her.

She stood up, standing behind him, a few feet separating them.

'Harvey' she called out, trying to make him face her. His silence pained her even more.

'Look, we can get through this' she murmured, not really sure what this was; the vote or something else.

'We?' he asked with disbelief, still refusing to turn around.

'Just because I don't work for you anymore, and we have a lot of things to discuss, it doesn't mean that I'm not here' she spoke softly. 'Please just turn around' she pleaded. She thought about how different this has been from the twelve years conversations they've had, but then again everything was. She had never seen him so broken before, and that, ironically but expectedly, broke her.

He turned around to face her, not daring to meet her gaze. Her eyes searched for his, reddened, welled up, as if he was about to cry.

'I'm here Harvey' she repeated softly, stepping closer to him, his eyes shifting nervously to her. He looked scared of her proximity, scared she would hurt him again. She didn't think twice before stepping closer, her hands wrapping around his neck, before she pulled him into a hug.

His whole body tensed, obviously surprised by her gesture, his hands awkwardly resting on her back before he completely let go. He held her closer, his arm wrapping around her waist, as hers did the same to his neck. He inhaled her scent as she buried her face in his neck.

They breathed against each other until their breath became synchronized, as Harvey realized they had never done this, and now he knew why. This twelve years' worth hug held so much meaning that it terrified him. It was one of friendship, support, understanding, affection, love. He's terrified when she moves under him, scared of her wanting to break it. She readjusted her hands instead, one of them resting at his hairline, as he held her even closer.

Jessica and Mike had decided to check on Harvey before heading home, before Jessica extended her arm to stop Mike's walk next to her. They both looked inside Harvey's office, to find him and Donna entangled in each other's embrace. They looked like one, standing so close to each other that neither Jessica nor Mike could discern the end of one or the other.

'I think it's time we head home' she said softly, as Mike nodded. They prepared themselves to walk away, but not before Mike took a picture on his phone, suffering from Jessica's severe look.

'What, Rachel would want to see this' he said innocently.

Jessica tried her best not to smile. Despite all the trouble they were in because of this man, she had grown to appreciate him.

'Goddamn junior' she said, a smile escaping her lips.

Neither Harvey nor Donna had the notion of time, both unaware of how long they'd been standing there. Harvey wondered what would have happened if they had tried this before. Maybe then he wouldn't have let her go.

* * *

 _So I'm gonna love you  
Like I'm gonna lose you  
I'm gonna hold you  
Like I'm saying goodbye._

 _Wherever we're standing  
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when  
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you  
Like I'm gonna lose you  
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you_

* * *

A.N: I'm not sure how I feel about this one-shot, but just needed to write it. I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think :)

-G


End file.
